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Catching up with Depeche Mode

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Jul. 11th, 2004 | 06:11 am
mood: okayokay
music: Bjork - Alarm Call

Okayyyy, I burned myself out a little there with the social gathering on Wednesday, and then hanging out with "L", another ADD person for, like, another 20 hours after that. I ended up sleeping through Thursday and part of Friday straight through.

So I felt recharged enough to attend the Austin burner party/decompression/what-have-you. Here's my report:

I did all the normal things. I mean, I attended the party, said lots of hellos, gave hugs, made conversations.

But I stayed sober, and edgy. I couldn't quite shake the feeling that people suck, in general, and that they are loud and complicated and irritating. Many of them are exes, too, and that's no good. But it felt good to breathe slowly and relax through the edginess. My actions, and my reactions to my actions, were all exactly what I'd expect them to be, and I had a good time. (!)

There were I guess two downers mixed in there: I avoided reinaness, and when she finally saw me and was excited and happy and loving, I just smiled, waved feebly and quickly turned and walked away, into denshi, who mimed as if to shove me back the other direction like, you know, what was I doing? But I'm not that person anymore that she should be so happy to see, and I don't presume to know who she is now, either. Those two people died painful deaths and are long gone. Wonderful new people have emerged, and yes, I'm proud of us both. But my half of those hugs is still several flavors of inappropriate, somehow. Does this make sense to anyone else? Am I just being horribly rude? Or just horrible? I can't pretend anything, pretending feels just as wrong and bad.

The other downer was a brief conversation with "P", another ex, who had locked her keys in her truck and was too upset and obsessing about it to be having a good time. I was disappointed with myself, because I wasn't able to be firm (enough) with her and just change the subject or leave the conversation. That's what she needs, and that's not what I have to offer. I'm not enough of an asshole to be her friend.

I was able to let both of those episodes pass, and was back to that just-okay sort of edgy pretty quickly. Deep breaths and just being okay to be whereever I was, to be still, to simply be present, at rest, and letting people come say hello and chatting with them.

Chemicals aren't the whole story, but okay, maybe quitting the Lexapro cold turkey ain't such a hot idea after all. But I'm lowering the dose. I took 5mg just now and I'll see where that takes us. The idea does seem reassuring, which is different from the past few days, where my mind/body just said "NO", so I didn't take any. At 10mg daily it seems to interfere with the Adderall.


Ah, but I'm holding out on you, dear readers. The last hour of the party included a pile of pillows and people, an empathic orgasm or two, some cuddling, and some exploration with the two-handed industrial-sized vibrating thingy that looks alarmingly like a floor buffer or belt sander.

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Comments {4}


You did seem inaccessible.

from: valkyriie
date: Jul. 11th, 2004 09:02 am (UTC)

Like you were not in the right place.

Though I wasn't in a great place myself in that moment.

A while back, I locked my keys in my car at soup and I couldn't relax until it was settled.

Perhaps Psyche would do better enjoying her journey and not waiting till everything is fixed to be happy.

Though at the same time I think it is how are survival is wired that we will be freaked out until we know we are okay.

Also, My ex has been uncomfortable with me like you are saying with Audrey. I think the affection she is showing you is about her caring and wanting to let you know that even though it wasn't working and can't go back to the way things were that you have and still do mean something to her.

It is a wierd thing about identity too. She is half a different person now, learning a new way to be and half who she always was.

Idenity is a very mixed up thing really.

I have found that when I think the people who are close to me aren't and feel uncomfortable I usually find out I'm wrong and I am more loved than I believe.

Maybe there's something helpful for you in all of my ramblings.

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(no subject)

from: fulguritus
date: Jul. 11th, 2004 10:57 am (UTC)

that last hour was a lot of fun~
i'm sorry to hear about the edge. but you didn't feel yucky from my pov.
you are loved~

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dr. pangloss

(no subject)

from: denshi
date: Jul. 11th, 2004 12:49 pm (UTC)

Aw, I'm sorry, I didn't mean anything of the sort. I came in right when Audrey was giving you a little push from behind, and I just played along a bit by mirroring a push backwards. "It's Bumper Matt!" It was just a bit of impromptu physicality, I didn't mean for it to imply anything about how you should interact.

I'm glad you made it out. Sorry about the people sucking, they do that pretty often.

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(no subject)

from: ex_ampere443
date: Jul. 13th, 2004 09:09 am (UTC)

i hear ya, dude. it's all going to be okay:)

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