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Apr. 11th, 2005 | 05:28 am
mood: melancholymelancholy
music: Ella Fitzgerald - Can't help lovin' dat man

Sooooo...

Divorced two years or so ago. Feeling a lot better, thanks. Made the irrational yet necessary choice not to know her anymore. No hard feelings, but it seems there's always going to be some pain there for me. In particular, she and her fiance are having a baby, and I feel the need to avoid seeing her pregnant.

She's getting married this weekend. It is oddly and selfishly reassuring to me that the lucky boy is someone whom I was fortunate enough to have formally "approved of" way back when. (Yes, "two years ago" is indeed starting to move into the "when I was little" frame of reference. Or as I was gently corrected this weekend, "when I was younger".) So anyway, no issues with the groom.

I wish them the best and I know they'll have a wonderful life. I'm invited to the wedding. They were even sweet enough to make sure it was okay with me that I was invited before inviting me. But I do feel that I don't belong there, even if I'm the only one that feels that's so.


Any reason I should go?

Speak now, or etc. etc.


P.S. - Oh yeah, and I guess all my friends are gonna be there. No, seriously. If I'm not going, I'd better make some other plans. I had originally planned to be away or busy, like, um, sorry, I'll be out of town, I had to wash my hair that month, or something.

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Comments {26}

Minister of Free Inquiry

(no subject)

from: aethyrflux
date: Apr. 11th, 2005 10:57 pm (UTC)
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indeed, you are the only one who truly knows if&/orwhen you are ready to encounter this situation.

but, since you asked... i feel compelled to make a contrary argument... if only b/c i'm not sure, if i was in your position, how capable i would be of grinning and bearing it?

sometimes, what we think we are afraid of is not really nearly as scary as we thought it would be, when we actually experience in person whatever it was that we thought we wanted to avoid. our minds can play tricks on us and make us think that we fear something that, in reality, can be quite wonderful... if we could only look at it from a holistic perspective?

that having been said, from my own recent experience, sometimes i think it's important for people to have sperate spaces to heal before they are ready to completely share in such a joyous occasion. i am still working on getting my reptile/primate brain under control... i have much meditation/chanting/yoga/taichi/magick/etc. to do myself, before i am able to completely cleanse the doors of perception and bear absolute witness to the infinite nature of reality...

and my paraphrase of your advice to me is ringing in my ears... that i will know when i am ready, at the point where i am not liable to react with extreme emotion depending on the actions of other people.

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