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Apr. 11th, 2005 | 05:28 am
mood: melancholymelancholy
music: Ella Fitzgerald - Can't help lovin' dat man

Sooooo...

Divorced two years or so ago. Feeling a lot better, thanks. Made the irrational yet necessary choice not to know her anymore. No hard feelings, but it seems there's always going to be some pain there for me. In particular, she and her fiance are having a baby, and I feel the need to avoid seeing her pregnant.

She's getting married this weekend. It is oddly and selfishly reassuring to me that the lucky boy is someone whom I was fortunate enough to have formally "approved of" way back when. (Yes, "two years ago" is indeed starting to move into the "when I was little" frame of reference. Or as I was gently corrected this weekend, "when I was younger".) So anyway, no issues with the groom.

I wish them the best and I know they'll have a wonderful life. I'm invited to the wedding. They were even sweet enough to make sure it was okay with me that I was invited before inviting me. But I do feel that I don't belong there, even if I'm the only one that feels that's so.


Any reason I should go?

Speak now, or etc. etc.


P.S. - Oh yeah, and I guess all my friends are gonna be there. No, seriously. If I'm not going, I'd better make some other plans. I had originally planned to be away or busy, like, um, sorry, I'll be out of town, I had to wash my hair that month, or something.

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Comments {26}

krystiegoddess

(no subject)

from: krystiegoddess
date: Apr. 11th, 2005 12:22 pm (UTC)
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**hugs**

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Mickey Moore

(no subject)

from: chiaroscuro25
date: Apr. 11th, 2005 01:16 pm (UTC)
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If it's going to be painful to you and such pain serves no purpose (and it sounds like that will be the case), then I wouldn't go. Do whatever is best for you. Simple advice, but very hard just the same.

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(no subject)

from: uujenna
date: Apr. 11th, 2005 02:02 pm (UTC)
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I completely agree with M's sentiment. Be gentle to *you.*

*bigs hugs* Trip.

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(no subject)

from: spumoni
date: Apr. 12th, 2005 02:55 am (UTC)
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I second. If you're in need of any sliver of validation, you have it. You will not be scorned or thought rude or uncouth if you do not attend. They'll understand.
And I have to return the favor of condolences and figurative comforts. Perhaps make some good hot tea that day and know that your friends are thinking of you and that you're well loved.

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Kat

(no subject)

from: ellisbell
date: Apr. 11th, 2005 01:33 pm (UTC)
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My ex-fiance got married last October. He and his bride-to-be (whom I had met, liked, and approved of, as you said) sent me an invitation, but I would have never shown up. For one thing, I felt that my presence there was a reminder of something he shouldn't have had to remember on his wedding day. I sent back a card with my regrets (but no explanation as to why I could not attend) and sent a nice gift. i felt very good about my decision - like we were all adults and had been perfectly civil and decent.
For myself personally, as I am about to be married, I am sending him an invitation as well, but mainly because he had sent me one, and because I know he won't attend. My other exes are not invited; not because I don't care about them or we aren't "friends" anymore, but because I don't want to make my future husband uncomfortable and I don't want to stand there and worry someone might impulsively jump up during the "speak now or forever hold your peace" part. I want my wedding day to be as stress-free as possible.

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NobodobodoN

(no subject)

from: nobodobodon
date: Apr. 11th, 2005 01:55 pm (UTC)
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Pro: Seeing friends.
Con: All that other yuck you mentioned.

You can see us some other time. You take care of yourself this weekend. Also the point someone made about your presence putting the bride in a different headspace, that's a non-selfish reason to skip it.

I miss you and look forward to seeing you soon, but not at such great expense.

Surely you have at least one friend not attending? If you have a car or can borrow one, you could take a mini roadtrip. Wildflowers are still out, and Enchanted Rock is always enchanting. And I hear there's really cheap tequila at this place just south of here. How long has it been since you've been through the Menil? Or been infected by medical waste washed up on Galveston?

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rachel

(no subject)

from: libbyt
date: Apr. 11th, 2005 02:00 pm (UTC)
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i'm not attending the wedding if you want to hang out! i live close and everything. :)

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dr. pangloss

closure?

from: denshi
date: Apr. 11th, 2005 02:24 pm (UTC)
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As the least-coupled person of this entire social group, I can't say I know what you're going through -- the long-term emotional issues of relationships are lost on me. But I like being capable of handling any stimulus that life throws at me, so if I were in your shoes I'd go, just to have the experience and grow in capability. Mastering the pain would be a win.

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Darlig Ulv Stranden

(no subject)

from: she_flies
date: Apr. 11th, 2005 02:56 pm (UTC)
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Comiserations.

I will have to agree with the others and say this isn't an opportunity to grow, it is just an opportunity to dredge up hurt. And, you shouldn't feel like you have to prove something to anyone by going - this is a let sleeping dogs lie moment.

*hugs*

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Ratha

(no subject)

from: papertygre
date: Apr. 11th, 2005 03:40 pm (UTC)
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Personally, I like denshi's answer.

I attended my ex-boyfriend's wedding (we broke up in summer 1997, he got married a year later in summer 1998). It was fine. We weren't on terribly comfortable terms, but we weren't on bad terms either. There was a lot there to occupy my attention (people I knew, food, music) so I don't know if I even interacted with the couple except for a brief congratulations. I think I went because I felt like I was helping to give *him* closure. That's what a wedding is about, AFAICT. Being there means "I respect and validate what you're doing." Of course, said ex didn't stay married, but hey.

I think that when you date someone you form a kind of link with them, and I've never yet had a breakup that resulted in finding that person unpleasant to be around. I don't talk to many of my exes much anymore, but I think they're more like dormant friendships than burned bridges. So the relevance of my experience may depend on how congruent this is to your situation.

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dr. pangloss

(no subject)

from: denshi
date: Apr. 12th, 2005 04:41 am (UTC)
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Personally, I like denshi's answer.

At some point, you and I are going to start some kind of nerd gang.

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Ratha

(no subject)

from: papertygre
date: Apr. 12th, 2005 05:03 am (UTC)
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Sounds fierce. I think we could subvert some paradigms.

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incysor

(no subject)

from: incysor
date: Apr. 11th, 2005 04:23 pm (UTC)
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You mentioned that you made the choice "not to know her anymore". If that's a permanent plan, then there's no reason for you to go. I know you and her, and trust that she undertands that you not being there isn't because you feel negative towards them in any way. However if you're plan was just to get distance while you both changed/healed, and you would like to be friends with them in the future then I think it's perfectly acceptable for you to be there. I've only met him once, but knowing her, they wouldn't have extended the invitation if they wouldn't be pleased to have you there. If it's just gonna make you feel weird, go treat yourself to a nice weekend doing something you'd enjoy.

Hugs,

B

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valkyriie

(no subject)

from: valkyriie
date: Apr. 11th, 2005 04:48 pm (UTC)
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I don't have any great words of wisdom.

Connection and disconnection is always wierd. There is always caring for each other no matter what and it can never be the same.

I just have more Linus blanket hugs.

* * * GOTCHA * * *

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heatherness

(no subject)

from: kukiri
date: Apr. 11th, 2005 06:15 pm (UTC)
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I know I may be way off base here, but whatever is tied to seeing her pregnant seems very painful and signals that you're not excited about facing what emotions get triggered at the thought. You can avoid it (get your mind off of it) or confront it now (either by going to the wedding or just spending the time thinking instead)...and what you decide should probably depend on whether you're emotionally ready right now to go into that painful territory, or if other stresses in your life need to reduce before taking it on. I feel like, even if you don't want to continue to know her, the feelings around it are yours and will therefore always be with you in whatever form they get processed into.

But whatever you decide to do, you will have support from your friendses. *hug*

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Minister of Free Inquiry

(no subject)

from: aethyrflux
date: Apr. 11th, 2005 10:57 pm (UTC)
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indeed, you are the only one who truly knows if&/orwhen you are ready to encounter this situation.

but, since you asked... i feel compelled to make a contrary argument... if only b/c i'm not sure, if i was in your position, how capable i would be of grinning and bearing it?

sometimes, what we think we are afraid of is not really nearly as scary as we thought it would be, when we actually experience in person whatever it was that we thought we wanted to avoid. our minds can play tricks on us and make us think that we fear something that, in reality, can be quite wonderful... if we could only look at it from a holistic perspective?

that having been said, from my own recent experience, sometimes i think it's important for people to have sperate spaces to heal before they are ready to completely share in such a joyous occasion. i am still working on getting my reptile/primate brain under control... i have much meditation/chanting/yoga/taichi/magick/etc. to do myself, before i am able to completely cleanse the doors of perception and bear absolute witness to the infinite nature of reality...

and my paraphrase of your advice to me is ringing in my ears... that i will know when i am ready, at the point where i am not liable to react with extreme emotion depending on the actions of other people.

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=

(no subject)

from: marconiplein
date: Apr. 11th, 2005 06:44 pm (UTC)
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on days that are hard i have extra special "be nice to myself" time. regardless of how expensive or shallow or sugar coma inducing it is i do it, like going to the movies and staying for 2 extra features. or buying myself a dress that will make me feel pretty. or taking myself out to eat.

i will buy you a dress and take you out to eat!!

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(no subject)

from: webnesto
date: Apr. 11th, 2005 06:50 pm (UTC)
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I can't afford to go... so if you'd like to come hang with me, the door is open.

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hugs

from: witchety
date: Apr. 11th, 2005 09:00 pm (UTC)
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I echo Kim's sentiment - I hope you you indulge in pretty dresses (yours or others), and spoil yourself in small and large ways. I usually treat myself to yummy Indian food, get some chai tea, see a movie I know no one else will see with me. If all else fails, I take a yoga class, something sweaty and distracting. Sending a big hug to you. And let me take this opportunity to say that I have fond memories of you, and wish you sweaty sex, good food, and the love of good friends (which you seem to have already). xoxo, Ingrid

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Truth and Suckiness

from: anonymous
date: Apr. 11th, 2005 09:43 pm (UTC)
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If you don't feel that you belong there ask yourself why you are tempted to go at all. The answer is always in front of us, whether we like it or not. The trick is remembering that regardless of the past, we are always moving forward and we can't change that, no matter how hard we try. Peace and love be with you.

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Truth and Suckiness

from: anonymous
date: Apr. 11th, 2005 09:44 pm (UTC)
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If you don't feel that you belong there ask yourself why you are tempted to go at all. The answer is always in front of us, whether we like it or not. The trick is remembering that regardless of the past, we are always moving forward and we can't change that, no matter how hard we try. Peace and love be with you.

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(no subject)

from: spumoni
date: Apr. 12th, 2005 03:04 am (UTC)
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PS This photo of you looks startlingly like Gaius on Battlestar Galactica (*grins a sheepish self-proclaimed geek grin*), although you in person look nothing like him. Interesting.
A brilliant show, by the way, if you've not yet checked it out.

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Hmmmm...

from: tamimoto
date: Apr. 12th, 2005 03:21 am (UTC)
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Okay.. while everyone is talking sentimental emotion here. I'm just going to say what came to my mind first. Which was "Screw That". If I were in your shoes, there is NO way that I'd go to that wedding. Maybe that makes me petty or whatever, but who cares!! Let this weekend be all about Matt. Surround yourself with everything that makes YOU happy, and don't worry about the wedding.

Oh.. and you do look like Gaius on Battlestar Galactica in that picture. He has less sex appeal though *wink*.

Love Ya Sweetie!

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Bean

(no subject)

from: fulguritus
date: Apr. 12th, 2005 06:58 am (UTC)
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stay home...don't torture yourself. i really doubt you'll regret it later.
sleep through it if possible.

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caliedoscope

(no subject)

from: caliedoscope
date: Apr. 12th, 2005 12:31 pm (UTC)
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*hugs*

Wish I had something clever and soothing to add, but all's I's gots is long-distance commisseration. Maybe a good weekend for Jager shots?

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Miss Scarlet

(no subject)

from: zuleikhajami
date: Apr. 12th, 2005 02:00 pm (UTC)
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You don't need to stick your hand in the fire to know that it's a bad idea. Trust yourself.

*hugs*

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