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Rambling Man

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May. 15th, 2004 | 06:17 am
mood: nostalgicnostalgic
music: My dedicated music PC is dead. Long live my dedicated music PC!

The contact lenses, when they go in just right, and I don't notice until I look at the computer's LCD screen and DAMN! Look at those pixels! If it were daytime, I'd look at a tree and go DAMN, look at all those leaves!

Had a long chat over lunch with snobscure at the Green Mesquite the other day. Highly recommended, both. Always interesting to meet new people, especially the introverts. I'd be interested to hear your impression of the conversation, snobscure, if you feel like it.

There are some things that become clearer when you try to talk about them. I'm sorry, y'all, for wanting to hurt you with my absence. I've needed to hide away for a while, and that's been very restorative, very healing. I've had a lot of time and space. But I took it a little too far, because "I" had taken so much damage and it was easier just to stop, to stop everything. I want to come out now.

I slept all day today (Friday), I guess I needed it. I stopped by for the very last few moments of winwin's 30th birthday celebration. The theme was fabulously done; I'm glad I got to see it and say hello to some people. Kept the hosts company for a bit while they started the clean-up; gave askesis a ride home. He's fun to talk to.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still antisocial. But it's back to being mostly about me again, which I think is healthier. And I'm getting over myself, too. So to speak.

My last remaining compulsive-and-confusing worry is my lack of a job and my intense lack of desire for one. The idea of "work" seems like, why would I do that to myself, and on purpose? But I'll need to get into something, at least a couple of days a week, because I like this roof over my head. My little room is liveable now, and there's even enough space for one or two visitors to sit and chat comfortably.

I'm at home now, and feeling kinda all dressed up with no one to do. No extrovert wife to pimp me out anymore, no carefully-screened surprise guests in the bed. No interim-compromise-girlfriends-with-potential, either.  I'm saddened to think how many years it'll be before I have an emotional partner who's intimate, emotionally steady, and open enough to support an artsy porn career.

That's not meant as an invitation -- I'm frustratingly choosy AND arbitrary -- but I've reached that point where I feel healthy and secure enough to say "I don't think I'll date anyone for a while." Haha. There, I've said it. Start your watches, place your bets.

- Trip


P.S. - In writing all of the above, I omit mention of two long-distance sweethearts. Love you both, and plane fare is my next short-term goal.

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Comments {9}

(no subject)

from: tequilanolime
date: May. 15th, 2004 08:07 am (UTC)
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when you cease to look, suddenly the answers appear.

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p.s.

from: tequilanolime
date: May. 15th, 2004 08:40 am (UTC)
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hey, and I miss you. I haven't been able to come to austin in so long now...tortilla soup with you sometime would be grand, when I finally get there again, if you'd like.

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Triple Entendre

Re: p.s.

from: triple_entendre
date: May. 15th, 2004 11:10 am (UTC)
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I'd love to. My new home is just a few blocks from the Kerbey Lane Cafe where we had that soup!

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(no subject)

from: avice
date: May. 15th, 2004 01:24 pm (UTC)
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You'll have to show me the new place. I expect I'll be there by or before this time next week.

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dr. pangloss

(no subject)

from: denshi
date: May. 15th, 2004 03:01 pm (UTC)
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I'm sorry, y'all, for wanting to hurt you with my absence.

Try as I might, I can't seem to learn to think that way.

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Triple Entendre

that way

from: triple_entendre
date: May. 15th, 2004 03:28 pm (UTC)
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The sentence you're quoting contains at least two, maybe three ways of thinking. Could you expand on your statement?

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(no subject)

from: avice
date: May. 15th, 2004 05:32 pm (UTC)
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That sentence actually struck a particular chord with me as well.

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snobscure

(no subject)

from: snobscure
date: May. 15th, 2004 05:03 pm (UTC)
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It was a rather unusual conversation, at least in the meta sense. I find myself naturally starting out on common philosophical ground with people, then proceeding gradually to the differences, as that's where the really interesting self-discovery happens. Talking with you, I felt like we never really found a major philosophical difference; to the contrary, it seemed like some fairly-abstract philosophical quirks needed only identification, where with other people they would require explanations. It beared a different kind of fruit, experiential rather than contemplative - usually I feel different enough from others that their experiences are only marginally useful in enlightening my own, but I had a good deal more trust in yours.

It did indeed sound like you were peeping out from the chrysalis, and for that I offer my well-wishes. I've never had to spin one that thick, but I can extrapolate from the ones I have spun.

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snobscure

(no subject)

from: snobscure
date: May. 15th, 2004 05:06 pm (UTC)
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"bore" a different kind of fruit, excuse me while I go cut

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