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When Buses Attack

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May. 2nd, 2004 | 03:24 pm
mood: hungryhungry
music: Cake - Italian Leather Sofa

When Buses Attack

a metro bus painted to look like a killer whale, with the gaping mouth as the rear doors
Killer whales disguised as buses, eating grandmas. Ah, the circle of life....

How to handle an encounter
If you encounter one of these in the wild, remain perfectly still. Do not make eye contact or step forward, or you might draw its attention. Instead, make it clear that you are aware of its presence, but feign disinterest. Look away. If you are standing close to its expected path, take a slight step back, continuing to avoid eye contact. Killer buses follow very rigid migration patterns, and have very little time to stop to feed. Breathe slowly. Killer buses can sense impatience or anxiety and will slow to investigate.

If you follow this advice, the bus should pass you without any harm. Remember, it's more afraid of you than you are of it.

What to do if the worst happens
If you are attacked, all is not lost. Fortunately, these beasts swallow their prey whole, so you do have some time to react. Do whatever you can to cause the beast gastric discomfort. Wave your arms wildly and yell; mutter to yourself, stagger around. If you are able, look for two long, cable-like sinews running along the sides of the beast's inner cavity. Grab one of these and pull as hard as you can. The bus will make sounds of protest and will stop to disgorge you. Move out of the area as quickly as possible in case there are others -- these predators sometimes travel in fleets of two or three.

Keep Alert
Professional bus-hunters may carry attractants such as 'tokens' or 'passes'. Tourist stands may try to sell you such items as novelties. Do not be fooled. Field guides are available which show the common migration patterns of these beasts, but are well-known to be full of inaccuracies. Patterns of movement can change hourly. Be cautious. Maintain your distance even if you encounter a bus that seems to be injured or resting -- they are easily provoked.

(image ganked from fulguritus and Kadu Weblog 2.0)

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Comments {8}

(no subject)

from: anonymous
date: May. 2nd, 2004 06:33 pm (UTC)
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http://observer.guardian.co.uk/uk_news/story/0,6903,1208042,00.html

i saw this, trip, and couldn't help but imagine what kind of creative "adaptive" revision you'd put this article through. :)

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(no subject)

from: anonymous
date: May. 2nd, 2004 06:34 pm (UTC)
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don't be unsettled....

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Triple Entendre

(no subject)

from: triple_entendre
date: May. 3rd, 2004 08:21 am (UTC)
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LOL

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Triple Entendre

"The thrust of her research"

from: triple_entendre
date: May. 3rd, 2004 08:20 am (UTC)
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That reporter has pretty much done all the work already. A few good lines in there, but mostly a fluff piece. Ahem.

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(no subject)

from: u34km3
date: May. 3rd, 2004 08:59 am (UTC)
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AWESOME!!!!!

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Triple Entendre

Pubic Transportation: Voulez-Vou the Bus

from: triple_entendre
date: May. 3rd, 2004 11:11 am (UTC)
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Now they should do one advertising porn. Just think of the possibilites!

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Re: Pubic Transportation: Voulez-Vou the Bus

from: xacat
date: May. 3rd, 2004 10:19 pm (UTC)
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That was exactly what I was thinking when I first saw it. What an awesome bus!

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Triple Entendre

Re: Pubic Transportation: Voulez-Vou the Bus

from: triple_entendre
date: May. 7th, 2004 12:35 am (UTC)
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Great minds... hang out together in the gutter.

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