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You'd be sitting somewhere here with me

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Apr. 30th, 2004 | 02:57 pm
mood: sadcrying
music: Pet Shop Boys - Being Boring

Thanks, honeylumps. I'm okay, I'm just really confused about being
"single". This is the first time, in my entire life, that I've been
both "polyamorous" AND "single". I am accustomed to being a source
of certainty in the lives of others. I don't have a pattern for
where I'm at now? "Tortured artist" fits but is a bit overwrought
for the long term. I know, we all have to make it up as we go along,
but this is a change I've been settling into ever so slowly, and...
I really miss having someone who could tell my story.


Pet Shop Boys - Being Boring

(tennant/lowe)
---------------
I came across a cache of old photos
And invitations to teenage parties
Dress in white one said, with quotations
From someone's wife, a famous writer
In the nineteen-twenties
When you're young you find inspiration
In anyone who's ever gone
And opened up a closing door
She said: we were never feeling bored

'cause we were never being boring
We had too much time to find for ourselves
And we were never being boring
We dressed up and fought, then thought: make amends
And we were never holding back or worried that
Time would come to an end

When I went I left from the station
With a haversack and some trepidation
Someone said: if you're not careful
You'll have nothing left and nothing to care for
In the nineteen-seventies
But I sat back and looking forward
My shoes were high and I had scored
I'd bolted through a closing door
I would never find myself feeling bored

'cause we were never being boring
We had too much time to find for ourselves
And we were never being boring
We dressed up and fought, then thought: make amends
And we were never holding back or worried that
Time would come to an end
We were always hoping that, looking back
You could always rely on a friend

Now I sit with different faces
In rented rooms and foreign places
All the people I was kissing
Some are here and some are missing
In the nineteen-nineties
I never dreamt that I would get to be
The creature that I always meant to be
But I thought in spite of dreams
You'd be sitting somewhere here with me

'cause we were never being boring
We had too much time to find for ourselves
And we were never being boring
We dressed up and fought, then thought: make amends
And we were never holding back or worried that
Time would come to an end
We were always hoping that, looking back
You could always rely on a friend

And we were never being boring
We had too much time to find for ourselves
And we were never being boring
We dressed up and fought, then thought: make amends
And we were never being boring
We were never being bored
'cause we were never being boring
We were never being bored


(I'll post this. Writing helps, and being read helps even more.)

...I think it's going to be all right.

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Comments {36}

Darlig Ulv Stranden

(no subject)

from: she_flies
date: Apr. 30th, 2004 01:09 pm (UTC)
Link

I have pretty much always bounced from one relationship to the next - always have a safety-net was my motto. What I regret about that is that I never gave myself an opportunity to learn who I was on my own - I only ever knew who I was in relation to another person. Now I have a son so even if I were to be technically single I would still know myself in relation to him. I know it has got to be tough right now, but you have a chance to develop a singularly unique psyche, something you can take with you into new relationships and which won't leave you even if the other people eventually do.

Reply | Thread

Triple Entendre

tightrope-fishing, without a net

from: triple_entendre
date: Apr. 30th, 2004 02:01 pm (UTC)
Link

Thank you. I am trying to stay mindful of this singular opportunity (nice pun, by the way1).

Both my ex-wife and my ex-SO observed that I was lacking something, something that you get from being alone in a romantic sense. I guess I've written about that some in this journal in the past. I am pretty sure there are other, more moderate ways to learn these lessons -- but I get the crash course.

Incidentally (or perhaps not), my ex-SO goes by the name of Psyche2. My classically-Jungian therapist got a huge kick out of that. ;-)

I do have some long-distance loves, who have been very wise and compassionate in giving me the space to go through this, this long fall, these flames.

-Trip

[1] I have yet to experience an emotion that could stop me making a pun, and I've had plenty of opportunities.

[2] I try to maintain others' privacy in here. Please be aware that there are at least two people in my city that use or have used this as a nickname. It's common in LiveJournals to incorrectly assume that you know who someone is talking about, and even more common to incorrectly assume that someone is talking about you! Anyway, dear readers, if you're ever confused, e-mail me. I am truthful to a fault, but I carry a poetic license.

Reply | Parent | Thread

Kai

(no subject)

from: kai_
date: Apr. 30th, 2004 02:05 pm (UTC)
Link

How beautiful a sentiment this is.

I'm lead to make a quote (though do not know who to credit it to, though I suspect it's the Dalai Lama)

"It is through suffering greatly that we learn to be free."

Reply | Parent | Thread

Kaiball: The Chronomorphic Psyclown

(no subject)

from: kaiball
date: Apr. 30th, 2004 02:38 pm (UTC)
Link

What the... who is this?! A Kai imposter?! Perhaps even a girl?! Give back my name!

Who is this?

The Real Kai

Reply | Parent | Thread

Kai

(no subject)

from: kai_
date: Apr. 30th, 2004 02:55 pm (UTC)
Link

I'll only agree that you're "The Real Kai" under two conditions:
1) that your legal name (on the birth certificate) is Kai.
2) if it is not, then proof that you coined the nickname Kai prior to me.

Otherwise we'll just have to share.

And, what's wrong with me being a girl, huh?

I've got boobies. I win!

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Tanjent

(no subject)

from: tanjent
date: Apr. 30th, 2004 03:27 pm (UTC)
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"I've got boobies. I win!"

quote of the decade.


-tanjent

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Pace

(no subject)

from: ubiquity
date: Apr. 30th, 2004 03:39 pm (UTC)
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I'm still a fan of:

Somebody: "What separates the women from the girls?"
Pace: "Tanjent."

Reply | Parent | Thread

Tanjent

(no subject)

from: tanjent
date: Apr. 30th, 2004 03:50 pm (UTC)
Link

oh, if only that were true in the really real world.

i'd have so much work to do. so much inspecting and testing.

-tanjent

Reply | Parent | Thread

Triple Entendre

When you're working the night shift,

from: triple_entendre
date: May. 1st, 2004 09:06 am (UTC)
Link

it's a mean time between failures.


And, along these lines, I must shamefacedly apologize in advance for the following:

now look what you made me do

Reply | Parent | Thread

Triple Entendre

(no subject)

from: triple_entendre
date: Apr. 30th, 2004 05:22 pm (UTC)
Link

"I've got boobies. I win!"

quote of the decade.


-tanjent


I'll second that!

This calls for a string of in-jokes:

"Winner!"

[hand raised]

Reply | Parent | Thread

Kai

(no subject)

from: kai_
date: May. 5th, 2004 07:54 am (UTC)
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What did I win?

Reply | Parent | Thread

Triple Entendre

(no subject)

from: triple_entendre
date: May. 6th, 2004 08:27 am (UTC)
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The boobie prize, of course.

Reply | Parent | Thread

Kai

(no subject)

from: kai_
date: May. 6th, 2004 09:36 am (UTC)
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Heh. I think I won that a loooooong time ago.

Reply | Parent | Thread

Kai

Re: I've got boobies. I win!

from: kai_
date: May. 5th, 2004 06:56 am (UTC)
Link

I have this theory:

In any argument with a heterosexual male, I win, simply because I have boobies. They seem to be something special and precious, and I have them, most men do not. Therefore, this gives me bargaining power.

I think most women don't figure this out. I feel so fortunate that I've gained insight into this.

And on the TG male front, I also win because of my boobies. If only because TG men are so envious!

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Kaiball: The Chronomorphic Psyclown

(no subject)

from: kaiball
date: May. 1st, 2004 10:57 pm (UTC)
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I win! Kai is my real name! Who would call themselves "Kai" and not really be a Kai?! Outrageous!

Only someone meeting me and wanting to be as strange as me would do such a thing!

Or girls in Hawaii. I have a pen pal in Hawaii named Kai, which means "ocean". Pretty sweet. That's my favorite meaning.

Where ever did you hear this to make it into a nickname without having met me? Are you actually from/in Hawaii?

Now you have me all fascinated.

Signed,
The Oh Yeah Fer Sure Real Kai

Oh yeah, and boobies are cool. It would be sad that I don't have any, but fortunately god made girls who share!

Reply | Parent | Thread

Kai

(no subject)

from: kai_
date: May. 5th, 2004 07:50 am (UTC)
Link

Who would call themselves "Kai" and not really be a Kai?!

Well, that would be me. My Christian/birth name is Michelle. When I became a Buddhist, I took the name Kai as my Buddhist name. Because it means "ocean" in Hawaiian, and I am a Pisces, so it's very fitting.

How did I hear of the name? To be honest, I picked it out of a name dictionary 12 years ago (or so) because of its meaning, when I was creating a character to role-play with. The name just stuck. It just fit.

So, I use my Christian name professionally, but personally I go by Kai. I've thought about changing it legally, but have pretty much decided I'm only going to do that when I get married, since changing my name will then be free.

Anyway... there's the not so fascinating explanation of why I'm a Kai.

PS - Read my explanation on the "I have boobies, I win." also in this thread!

Reply | Parent | Thread

Kaiball: The Chronomorphic Psyclown

kaiball

from: kaiball
date: May. 5th, 2004 08:42 am (UTC)
Link

Ah yes. I am of the fish as well.

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Kai

Re: kaiball

from: kai_
date: May. 5th, 2004 09:00 am (UTC)
Link

Mmmm. Fish people rock.

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stickylatex

(no subject)

from: stickylatex
date: Apr. 30th, 2004 01:43 pm (UTC)
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I echo what the previous poster said, and also I hope you feel better soon. Obviously it's hard. I don't know you or your situation, but I was telling my husband about some of the stuff I've been reading in your LJ. He thought the divorce situation was weird. As in, "If they love each other so much, and they're friends, why aren't they staying together?" I looked at him like he was from Mars, and asked him wasn't he sad when he and his ex-wife split up. He said basically, "Hell, no, and we went out for pancakes to celebrate when the divorce was final." Personally, I think THAT is stranger! How could they not be sad? Even a little? And for me, his current wife, well ... it makes me wonder how much he values OUR relationship. He says his relationship with his ex wasn't like ours, wasn't as close or deep or something. But he was MARRIED to her! And tattooed her name on his arm! How could that mean so little, and yet I'm supposed to have faith that our bond means so much?

Anyway, I wasn't trying to make this about me. :-) I was just trying to say that what you're going through is normal, and will get easier, and shouldn't be any other way (IMHO).

Reply | Thread

Triple Entendre

what we mean by that

from: triple_entendre
date: Apr. 30th, 2004 02:09 pm (UTC)
Link

I suspect that the difference there is a gender-related difference in the meaning and significance of the word "when". That may sound odd... I can write more about that if you like.

It's okay for replies to be about you. :)

And, thanks.

Reply | Parent | Thread

stickylatex

Re: what we mean by that

from: stickylatex
date: Apr. 30th, 2004 02:29 pm (UTC)
Link

Please write more! I can't imagine what you mean by "a gender-related difference in the meaning and significance of the word 'when'!"

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dr. pangloss

(no subject)

from: denshi
date: Apr. 30th, 2004 04:44 pm (UTC)
Link

The best way to enjoy pancakes is balancing them on your head whilst crouching under a bush.

Reply | Parent | Thread

heatherness

(no subject)

from: kukiri
date: Apr. 30th, 2004 08:13 pm (UTC)
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Well, actually, wouldn't that be balanced on someone *else's* head whilst you are both crouching under a bush? I mean, how you gonna eat them while they're on your head?

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Triple Entendre

(no subject)

from: triple_entendre
date: May. 1st, 2004 12:54 am (UTC)
Link

I'm not sure whether to be aroused, or hungry. Either way, no maple syrup, please.

Reply | Parent | Thread

dr. pangloss

(no subject)

from: denshi
date: May. 1st, 2004 08:05 am (UTC)
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Winner!

Reply | Parent | Thread

dr. pangloss

(no subject)

from: denshi
date: May. 1st, 2004 08:06 am (UTC)
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I am envisioning a variant of those beerholder-and-flexible-straw hats.

Reply | Parent | Thread

QOTJ

(no subject)

from: sheenaqotj
date: Apr. 30th, 2004 02:39 pm (UTC)
Link

I agree with a previous response that said it's good to take time off and be able to define yourself as... yourself, rather than relative to someone else. It's really tough to intentionally avoid (rebound-like) relationships during the mourning period, though, especially if you have fuzzy relationships that could become a lot closer at any moment, since, well, you're poly. At least that's what I'm assuming, since it's tempting enough for me to come over there and comfort you.

I also think it's going to be all right.

Reply | Thread

Triple Entendre

reboundaries

from: triple_entendre
date: May. 1st, 2004 07:00 am (UTC)
Link

I've had a lot of healing time, but I won't presume to know when a mourning period ends. I informally started that clock about a year ago, but there's no alarm set. And there's something dismaying but predictable about that day when something like this becomes "official"....
At least that's what I'm assuming, since it's tempting enough for me to come over there and comfort you.
That sounds like a delightfully bad idea. At least that's what I'm assuming, since I'm blushing now.

Thank you for your kind thoughts. They mean a lot to me.

Reply | Parent | Thread

(no subject)

from: webnesto
date: Apr. 30th, 2004 02:55 pm (UTC)
Link

X put that song on one of the mix tapes she made for me in the long-ago time of chaos and pain (it may have been the first).

I used to cry my eyes out every time I heard it. Especially when I was married.

Fact of the matter was and is though that this line, "We were always hoping that, looking back, You could always rely on a friend" is probably the most important to me. And has held true throughout the years. I was able to count on X for all the years that she wasn't even there. While we haven't always been lovers, and we haven't always been nice, we've always been friends.

I doubt very much that you've lost a friend.

Reply | Thread

Triple Entendre

(no subject)

from: triple_entendre
date: May. 7th, 2004 01:42 am (UTC)
Link

Thanks. She is very much still a friend, and an important one. But I still find myself, often, not wanting to see her.... Even a role like "best friend" feels like such a huge jump down from soulmate and partner. It slowly grows dimmer, but I still feel the absence more keenly in her presence, and even the fact that she treats me so much better now doesn't change that.

Reply | Parent | Thread

Glorious.

from: marrilee
date: Apr. 30th, 2004 03:29 pm (UTC)
Link

Ya know, it's weird but, somehow it's always harder to believe really good things. We're sort of jaded by nature, oddly programmed to expect *not* to be happy.

That's why it's so hard to believe that, not only is it going to be "alright" - but that it's going to be glorious. But, I promise you, it will. In the meantime, put in your time, deal with your singularity and everything it offers. Take your emotional lumps - because we don't really have a choice in the matter - yer gettin' em anyway. There's nothing to fight, *everybody* gets them. You haven't been jipped, this is just part of the ride.

Glorious. I promise.

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Triple Entendre

Re: Glorious.

from: triple_entendre
date: May. 7th, 2004 05:39 pm (UTC)
Link

Thank you. You have a gift with words.

I spoke with my crazy-like-a-fox aunt on the phone recently; she 's about a decade older than me, and she says it just gets better. I am hopeful.

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dr. pangloss

(no subject)

from: denshi
date: Apr. 30th, 2004 04:48 pm (UTC)
Link

You're a giant amongst emotional lilliputians.

It'll be alright. You *define* alright.

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heatherness

(no subject)

from: kukiri
date: Apr. 30th, 2004 08:50 pm (UTC)
Link

I don't mean to poke at you, but why is it different being both poly and single, vs just being single? Or maybe that's not what you're getting at. Anyway, now (I mean the long version, not right this second) might be a good time to try something like The Artist's Way (I've been meaning to 4-evar myself) or various mental explorations like meditation.

When I've had no one else to be half of, I've absorbed myself in social+private activities that fed my soul, like martial arts and poi and art. I kept the TV on with the volume down for company sometimes. (I'm still conditioned to find it comforting) I started to get at what was most important to me in life...asking myself questions like "What I would live for if I never had a lifetime mate?". And I wrote to my friends a lot in email and hung out with my peeps. It's a hard but really invaluable time. I recommend doing nice things for yourself, taking care of your inner kid, and doing things you wouldn't normally do. *hugs*

Reply | Thread

(no subject)

from: avice
date: May. 1st, 2004 01:32 pm (UTC)
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I've been stumped between replying to the original e-mail or here, or to any of the many comments you've received here. I think it makes sense for you to be confused right now. This is big change. That's why I wrote you what I did in the first place. You have a lot to figure out now. Your life has changed and with it certain aspects of how you've defined yourself. That can make for some crazy times. But you're still here, so you must exist in all these other ways as well. I've got proof now, because I don't know anyone else that would use a name like Honeylumps in a moment of sincerety like that :) Anyway, being like the 26th comment here it seems a bit redundant to remind you of all the people who love and care about you. So I will leave you with virtual hugs and warmest wishes for a lovely day.

Reply | Thread

Triple Entendre

Existing in these ways

from: triple_entendre
date: May. 3rd, 2004 08:52 am (UTC)
Link

Thanks.

*hugs*

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