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I was born Zen, but with wires crossed

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Jan. 17th, 2004 | 04:16 am
mood: awakeawake
music: The Sugarcubes - Birthday

When I was five,

I didn't think everything was going to be okay. I definitely didn't think anyone could keep me safe. But I had a special relationship with the world.

The world was BIG and LOUD and QUIET and SOFT unless it was HARD and there was FALLING DOWN and it spun around sometimes and there was GRASS and TREES and CONCRETE and WIND and CLOUDS and (rolling a Fiser-Price plastic donut up and down the driveway) and (a guy canoeing down the flooded street) and the SUNSETS and THUNDER and RAIN and just BREATHING and EVERYTHING was just so EVERYTHING and it was all so pretty. And oh my the thousands of CICADAS sang an overwhelming song that mesmerized me forever, so loud and overlapping you could never imagine it. I spent a lot of time outside.

And if I was perfectly still, unfocused but sharp, I was a part of it. I was OF it.

It still happens.

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Comments {13}

Oye Feathers

(no subject)

from: chickenmoon
date: Jan. 17th, 2004 06:37 am (UTC)
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Oh, yes. I can connect with this.

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Firespiral

Boo...

from: firespiral
date: Jan. 17th, 2004 07:15 am (UTC)
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I stumbled upon you somehow, wandering around communities. This post struck a chord in me, and also the quote "It's okay, little me, It's okay" from an earlier post.

Just reading that made me feel appreciative that there are Other Folk out there that think the way I do, sometimes.

Thanks,

Julia

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Triple Entendre

Re: Boo...

from: triple_entendre
date: Jan. 23rd, 2004 05:07 pm (UTC)
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Howdy.

Just reading that made me feel appreciative that there are Other Folk out there that think the way I do, sometimes.

I think I'm thinking even more, since I started this writing thing. I like it.

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Courtney

she knows how many freckles he's got

from: paniolo99
date: Jan. 17th, 2004 12:06 pm (UTC)
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I love that song.

Ever read Dandelion Wine by Ray Bradbury? There's a passage in it that reminds me of you at five.

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Triple Entendre

Have I ever!

from: triple_entendre
date: Jan. 17th, 2004 03:54 pm (UTC)
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I read as much of Bradbury's entire body of work I could get my hands on in middle and high school. It was wonderful... and decadent. You don't read Bradbury's prose, you swim lazily in it, and when you come out you're soaked and dripping with it and you trail puddles of warm, fragrant imagery all over the good carpet.

I think I even read his Zen in the Art of Writing, which I now see I should revisit: "You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you."

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Triple Entendre

Some good bits

from: triple_entendre
date: Jan. 17th, 2004 04:37 pm (UTC)
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some days [...] were days of hearing every trump and trill of the universe. Some days were good for tasting and some for touching. And some days were good for all the senses at once. [...]

"Doug?"
Douglas looked up suddenly.
"You're off a million miles," said Father. "Look alive. Walk with us."
"Yes, sir."
[...]
Yet the fact remained--Douglas shivered--this, without reason, was a special day.
[...]
The spell was shattered. ... Douglas, lost and empty, fell to his knees. He saw his fingers sink through green shadow and come forth stained with such color that it seemed he had somehow cut the forest and delved his hand in the open wound.
[...]
Douglas's tongue hesitated on the texture of bread and deviled ham. No... no... it was just a sandwich.
[...]
It almost happened, thought Douglas. Whatever it was it was Big, my gosh, it was Big!
[...]
If you look you'll scare it off.
[...]
And at last, slowly, afraid he would find nothing, Douglas opened one eye.
And everything, absolutely everything, was there.
The world, like a great iris of an even more gigantic eye, which has also just opened and stretched out to encompass everything, stared back at him.
And he knew what it was that had leaped upon him to stay and would not run away now.
I'm alive, he thought.
[...]
"You all right, Doug?" asked Tom.
His voice was at the bottom of a green moss well somewhere underwater, secret, removed.
The grass whispered under his body. He put his arm down, feeling the sheath of fuzz on it, and, far away, below, his toes creaking in his shoes. The wind sighed over his shelled ears. The world slipped bright over the glassy round of his eyeballs like images sparked in a crystal sphere. Flowers were suns and fiery spots of sky strewn through the woodland. Birds flickered like skipped stones across the vast inverted pond of heaven. His breath raked over his teeth, going in ice, coming out fire. Insects shocked the air with electric clearness. Ten thousand individual hairs grew a millionth of an inch on his head. He heard the twin hearts beating in each ear, the third heart beating in his throat, the two hearts throbbing his wrists, the real heart pounding his chest. The million pores on his body opened.
I'm really alive! he thought. I never knew it before, or if I did I don't remember!
He yelled it loud but silent, a dozen times! Think of it, think of it! Twelve years old and only now!
[...]
Douglas, eyes shut, saw spotted leopards pad in the dark.
"Tom!" Then quieter. "Tom... does everyone in the world...know he's alive?"
"Sure. Heck, yes!"
The leopards trotted soundlessly off through darker lands where eyeballs could not turn to follow.
"I hope they do," whispered Douglas. "Oh, I sure hope they know."

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Triple Entendre

Fight Club?

from: triple_entendre
date: Jan. 17th, 2004 04:39 pm (UTC)
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Interestingly, if you put back some of the bits I've elided above, it's like a scene out of Fight Club -- when the epiphany comes, he happens to be bleeding and wrestling with his brother.

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Courtney

Re: Some good bits

from: paniolo99
date: Jan. 17th, 2004 04:59 pm (UTC)
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Yup.

This is exactly why I find being an atheist far more interesting than "having religion"...you get to have a direct relationship with the universe, and your place in it. In fact, this passage is one of the many, many things that made me into an atheist.

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Triple Entendre

Semantics

from: triple_entendre
date: Jan. 17th, 2004 05:25 pm (UTC)
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...and me, into a mystic. Which isn't to say that you aren't.

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Courtney

Re: Semantics

from: paniolo99
date: Jan. 17th, 2004 06:51 pm (UTC)
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I am a mystic indeed, but of a highly mutant strain.

My goal in life is not to look, but to perceive, the world around me.

Gods, or overarching intelligences outside the system itself, get in the way of my perception. (Despite my joking about Asphaltea, Patron Goddess of Illegal Parking and Road Trips.)

This is probably due to all that Derrida I had to read at 20. Or Plato. Or that first glimpse of a Drosophila superchromosome. Anyway, I am not interested in explanations - I am interested in theory, in experiment, in trying to see what is larger than myself and yet is myself.

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Triple Entendre

Re: Semantics

from: triple_entendre
date: Jan. 17th, 2004 10:59 pm (UTC)
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(Good, I said it with the right words.) We are understanding one another.

And, yeah.

Nicely put.

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Triple Entendre

Dandy Lion Whine

from: triple_entendre
date: Jan. 17th, 2004 04:41 pm (UTC)
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"at times a constant barrage of similes and metaphors ... (on) the one hand, the book was extremely evocative, but on the other, so evocative that it did little else." - Georges T. Dodds

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Triple Entendre

Re: she knows how many freckles he's got

from: triple_entendre
date: Feb. 12th, 2004 07:13 pm (UTC)
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Here's a present for you. :)

http://spaceship.com/~chipmunk/journal/media/video/Sugarcubes-Birthday.mpg

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