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Miles to go before I sleep

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Jun. 15th, 2003 | 08:07 am
mood: sleepysleepy
music: They Might Be Giants - Man, It's So Loud In Here

That was miserable. Too depressed to leave the house, even for futurity's birthday gathering. I'm sure I missed an excellent party. I can tell I'm feeling better, though, because that doesn't seem like the terrifyingly horrible, heart-wrenchingly tragic loss that just about everything did as recently as three hours ago.

I couldn't write anything, all yesterday and last night. All I could do was maintain, crying and playing some simple computer games. There was nothing I could say to my sad little 5-year-old self, who sees no one here to take care of him, and no one here to love him.

(As I write that, pure, uncomplicated tears immediately roll down my face, telling me I've called it right. It's nice to be understood, even if it's just by me.... And there, there's a giggle, so welcome but so rare.)

I have an infinity of healing energy that fairly crackles from my heart, head, and fingertips. But you could say I have lousy aim: I forget to love myself.... :\


It's like they recite on commercial airline flights -- in the unlikely event of a loss of cabin pressure, secure your mask before assisting others. ;)

--
Triple "flotation device" Entendre

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Comments {6}

Bean

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from: fulguritus
date: Jun. 15th, 2003 02:45 pm (UTC)
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i am right there with you, right now. even tho it was my decision to end the relationship, i'm sad. and so is audrey. it's not easy. i've been crying all day. trying to clean this house that we shared for so long. finding so many pictures, letters, notes, stuff. i cried as i read your post. we are crying together. about the same thing. hurting. loving them still but not able to be with them anymore. i don't know if i envy you or pity that you have to see her on a fairly regular basis, trying to be friendly and civil. i miss being around colin so much, but i know it would be so hard for both of us to hang out. part of me says "i don't care! i just want to say hi and maybe hug him!!!" the other part says "so what, just cuz you miss him doesn't mean you can go waltzing in and screw up his day with your desire to see him. he misses you and doesn't come and see you, that must mean he doesn't want to deal with that right now" or maybe he doesn't feel welcome, or i don't know. this is so kicking my ass. and i've been crying and crying. you are far from alone.
but we will be okay, all of us.

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Triple Entendre

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from: triple_entendre
date: Jun. 15th, 2003 04:11 pm (UTC)
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i don't know if i envy you or pity that you have to see her on a fairly regular basis, trying to be friendly and civil.

'Have to' might not be the way to put it, but....

Also she is going to New York for a couple of months. It's a not-so-coincidental replay of my getting dumped by P., right down to the very details, except she's a little more clear than P. about what's good for her.

go waltzing in and screw up his day with your desire to see him. he misses you and doesn't come and see you, that must mean he doesn't want to deal with that right now

It's just so hard when I'm not always sure *which* parts of my relationship are still exactly as before, and which are different, and which are gone forever. It's not time for her and I to know the answer to that yet, I think. She and I are both still too angry and reactive to be able to know how it's going to be. *I* called a halt to the couples therapy after our first attempt, and I'm not sure she understands why. (She's ready to deal but not to heal.)

I can't be fully happy to see her, when there's so much that can give me that special whiplash-uncertainty of what each time will be like.

The hard part right now is her feelings getting hurt because I am doing as she asks. I understand it, but it hurts, and feels like getting blamed for *her* choices as well as mine.

I still have hope for relationships that ended years ago... I'm *that* sort of 'romantic'. Or something.

I'm still wearing my ring. There. I've put it on my other hand. Maybe that will help. It's only ever been off for Aikido, before. Already it feels odd.

Thank you for your spiritual companionship. It helps to talk to people who are having similar experiences. It's funny, I'm still primarily a healer in even my most casual of relationships. I think I've recently helped fix or mend *two* other marriages of current girlfriends. (Not referring to yours or necessarily anyone you know, if you're wondering.) But that *is* normal for the way I approach poly relationships -- but still, funny. (That's meaning all three, no four, types of "funny"....)

Hugs and tears,
Trip

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Bean

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from: fulguritus
date: Jun. 15th, 2003 04:45 pm (UTC)
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i feel sad that colin has gone completely away, i didn't want him gone forever gone, i wanted to see him sometimes. i mean we were best friends for 7 years. and then, gone.

i'm the healer person too, it seems we types have an even harder time accepting help or asking for it. weird eh.we stopped going to couples counseling after it became seperation counseling. it was just too hard for him and i to talk about our collapsing relationship.
all the emotional stuff just seemed futile to even talk through since it couldn't do any good to help our relationship. so now we are sad alone instead of sad together. i don't know what else could be done.
i took my ring off after going to see my therapist felipa. i cried. it felt weird. i haven't really worn any rings since then. maybe later. for now my fingers will be unadorned. and then my burn ritual at flipside. i am glad to be in a community where that's completely acceptable to be sobbing and alone in the middle of people partying all around you. very good. and i think al the people that might have come "comfort" me, knew enough to allow me space.
we are blessed, even in our sadness.
love~
bean

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Triple Entendre

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from: triple_entendre
date: Jun. 15th, 2003 05:08 pm (UTC)
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we stopped going to couples counseling after it became separation counseling.

Yeah. I stopped us because that's what it would too quickly become, if we did it right now. I think we have other work to do first.

Hey, Felipa called; he put me on his waiting list. I'm hopeful, but a little concerned about the "regression" part. I might be too suggestible -- I'm concerned about leading myself astray that way.

i am glad to be in a community where that's completely acceptable to be sobbing and alone in the middle of people partying all around you. very good.

Yeah. The Gigsville community is that way too; the person who amazed me most was a kick-ass medical student -- she would hang out at the party for a bit, then go upstairs, wherever she was, and do her homework, while still being somehow "present". I swear she partied just as effectively as anyone there.

we are blessed, even in our sadness.

So true. And I can know it, somehow, even when I can't feel it. That's new.

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Bean

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from: fulguritus
date: Jun. 15th, 2003 06:04 pm (UTC)
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Felipa called; he put me on his waiting list. I'm hopeful, but a little concerned about the "regression" part. I might be too suggestible -- I'm concerned about leading myself astray that way

that's great that he called! he's great, and you don't have to worry about the regression part. there aren't really any sort of suggestions made that aren't totally in line with you. thus he doesn't start with the 1st session being regressive. talk to him about your fears. he's really cool. and wouldn't lead you astray, you can even talk to him about anything he suggests, while you are being suggested to, and it's always in a you can use this or not sort of way.
getting my ass in gear, out of depression into action is hard. but i'm s l o w l y doing it.
i wish colin still posted on LJ, i refriended him, but he hasn't made an entry since i told him i stopped reading his journal. hm. love~

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Emerald

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from: sea_of_change
date: Jun. 15th, 2003 08:24 pm (UTC)
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It's like they recite on commercial airline flights -- in the unlikely event of a loss of cabin pressure, secure your mask before assisting others.

Glad to see you aiming this advice at yourself. Taking care of yourself is the most important thing you can do.

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