Things That Fell Out of My Head - I would like to cancel my account. I would....

One of those boiler-room "discount" magazine clearinghouses once signed my girlfriend up without asking. I got on the
phone (on their dime) and had a 30 minute "conversation" that went something :

"Hi, somehow I was signed up for your service; I don't want any magazines."

[but you ordered this service!]

"No, I don't know anything about it. Please take me off your list."

[Well sir, you DID order this service, and you get benefits x y z for only $]

"Well, let's cancel it anyway."

[You haven't even tried it yet!]

"I know, but I am certain I don't want any."

[Well sir, I'm sure once you see the quality, exclusive etc etc..."]

"No. I don't want it. I want the charge removed from my card."

[but it's such a good deal because A, B, C, D, and E! Doesn't that sound like a good deal?]

"Yeah sure, that all sounds great, but --"

[All right then! we'll just blah blah blah --]

"I still don't want it."

[I don't understand, sir. You agree it's a great deal, but you don't want it?]

"That's right, I don't want --"

[But that doesn't make sense! there are benefits/convenience/easy automatic payments/etc, etc, etc!]

"I'd still like to cancel. Look, I know you're supposed to get three 'no's before you give up, so here you are: no, no, no.
OK?"

[Well you see sir, non sequitur A, so blah blah, magazines, account with us. you are responsible for! Don't you take care of
your responsibilities?]

"Uh... yes, but..."

[excellent deal/benefits/trial period. Don't you want good things, nothing to lose, etc?]

"Er... No!"

[But of course you want good things!]

"I don't want an account at all."

[well, you have one, sir]

"I'd like to cancel it."

[We just can't do that, sir. you have to pay for what you ordered]

"Um, I'm sure there's a way we can cancel my account. Don't send me anything."

[Well sir, thinly veiled threats A and B, plus hints of other bad things]

"I didn't ask for any of it and I don't want it. Please just cancel it."

[you did order it, sir]

"No, I didn't."

[we have your order on record, we can prove that you ordered it]

"Huh. Well, anyway, I still want to cancel my account."

[benefits, magazines, trial, convenient, etc. Doesn't that sound like a good deal to you?]

"You've got to be k.... I'd like to cancel my account."

[Best price anywhere, quality service, magazines A, B, C, etc. You wouldn't want to spend three times as much, would you?]

"I'd like to cancel my account."

[But sir -- if A then B; B, therefore A!]

"Well, I... Let me speak to your manager."

[manager not available, you are responsible for order, etc.]

"I don't care if I ordered it or not, I'd still like to cancel my account."

[really can't do that, sir]

"I'd like to cancel my account."

[sir, benefits benefits great magazines etc! Wouldn't you do something that benefited you so much?]

"I'd like to cancel my account."

[That would be difficult, and it wouldn't work anyway, magazines will still come, sir]

"I'd like to cancel my account."

[Lots of people use our service and enjoy benefits blah blah blah, sir!]

"I'd like to cancel my account."

[Well sir, you wouldn't want to do that; don't you agree the sky is blue?]

"yes but I'd like to cancel my account."

[Ahh but sir, puppies are cute!]

"I'd like to cancel my account."

[... I can't do that, sir. I'll have to have you talk to my manager.]

"I'd like to cancel my account."

[fuzzy classical hold music]
[Hello sir, I'm the manager, is there a problem with your order?]

"I'd like to cancel my account."

[Did sales representative explain all the benefits A,B,C, and D? Of course you want those things, right?]

"I'd like to cancel my account."

[well, you ordered this service, sir, you have to pay for it]

"I'd like to cancel my account."

[but all these benefits, magazines, trial, convenient, etc. Doesn't that sound like a good deal to you?]

"(!?) ...I'd like to cancel my account."

[I'm sorry, we can't do that, sir]

"I'd like to cancel my account."

[Surely benefits A,B, and C are wonderful, don't you agree?]

"I'd like to cancel my account."

[But aren't puppies cute, sir? And blue skies; nice, yes?]

"I'd like to cancel my account."

[Wouldn't you like all these great etc etc etc?]

"I'd like to cancel my account."

[]

"I'd like to cancel my account."

[all right sir, what's the account? Oh, but this isn't your account. We can't do that, sir]

"She doesn't want to talk to you! She just wants to cancel the account."

[I can't discuss this with you, sir]

"Look, she's right here, and we want to cancel the account!"

[Oh no, I'm sorry sir, we'll have to speak with the account holder]

"Yeah, sure. Oh all right, I'll put her on. {stage whisper} Just say 'I'd like to cancel my account,' no matter what."

Girlfriend: {taking phone} "hello."
G: "um, no, I...I'd like, to cancel my account."
G: "I'd like to cancel my account."
G: "Yes, but I..." {I make frantic NO, NO! motions}
G: "I'd like to cancel my account!"
G: "I'd like to cancel my account."
G: "No, I'd still like to cancel my account."
G: "I'd like to cancel my account."
G: "I'd like to cancel my account."
G: "I'd like to cancel my account."
G: "I'd like to cancel my account."
G: "I'd like to cancel my account."
G: "I'd like to cancel my account."
G: "Okay, here he is."

[All right sir, we've cancelled that for you. Have a nice day. {click}]



I once argued a bank into refunding $100 in fees.

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Triple Entendre