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Every so often, I answer my phone

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Apr. 25th, 2005 | 02:58 pm
mood: depresseddepressed
music: Múm - Don't Be Afraid, You Have Just Got Your Eyes Closed

Just spoke with reinaness on the phone for about 50 minutes. It was... strange. But it didn't hurt this time.

Every other time before this one, any time I have told her something about my life, I got a fresh feeling of loss. As if somehow sharing was losing, though that doesn't fit any of my philosophy. But it made it feel dangerous just to talk to her. This time, I held on and coasted gently through my tight-lipped defensive anger and skepticism and got to a point where we kept talking because we enjoy talking with one another. I forget -- and yet can't forget -- how much of me there is in her, and how much of her in me. Of course it's really that we had a lot of time to teach each other about what was in us already, but we each could still protest, "I learned it from watching you!"

It was good to talk. "Dude!" I said, "I still can't believe you're, like, married to some other guy, and having a baby." So very surreal. We both laughed at that. She's doing what's good for her. And, for my part, I'm still getting used to how much less stressful my life is without her to navigate. What alternate universe have I stumbled permanently into? No less surreal than the one I came from, I guess.

I'm still very glad I didn't go to the wedding. Instead, yangenigma took me out for dinner and a movie. It was everything I could have wanted for a 'Your Ex-Wife Is Getting Married Day!', but even better than that -- it was more like an ordinary day plus a romantic date with a wonderful girl who I'll be seeing more of.

My long-term long-distance girlfriends cuddlyeconomist and tarian have been very supportive and wonderful as well. I will dedicate a future post exclusively to each of them if they promise to be properly embarrassed.

humanitics, although fiercely releasing us from our attachments and entanglements and therefore any labels, holds a permanent place in my heart for showing me I still have love to give. And for indirectly teaching me that relationships conducted through poetry require exegesis.

Props yo. Great, now I'm doing shout-outs.

Love to all my ex-girlfriends. I'm pretty sure they all read this thing.

And to the dozen or so crushes I have. Yeah, if you're wondering if I "like" you, I probably do.

All my other friends are pretty cool, too.

And pretty much everybody reading this.

And you.

Um.

I guess I need to write more about this sort of thing, in here and elsewhere. If for no other reason than so I can choose just one "mood icon" per post.

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Comments {26}

Bean

(no subject)

from: fulguritus
date: Apr. 25th, 2005 08:06 pm (UTC)
Link

that was good to read.
i'm glad it's gotten easier.

you are a gem.

you are loved

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Bean

(no subject)

from: fulguritus
date: Apr. 25th, 2005 08:09 pm (UTC)
Link

if there is a 'Your Ex-Wife Is Getting Married Day! on that page i couldn't see it...i wanted to read it. although i found the others humourous(i can never spell that word right)

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Triple Entendre

There isn't one, but that just makes it funnier.

from: triple_entendre
date: Apr. 25th, 2005 08:15 pm (UTC)
Link

It's left as an exercise for the reader.

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Bean

Re: There isn't one, but that just makes it funnier.

from: fulguritus
date: Apr. 25th, 2005 08:56 pm (UTC)
Link

beautiful.

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cuddlyeconomist

(no subject)

from: cuddlyeconomist
date: Apr. 25th, 2005 08:21 pm (UTC)
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I promise, promise, promise!

And only a month till I see you again!

love you

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krystiegoddess

(no subject)

from: krystiegoddess
date: Apr. 25th, 2005 08:24 pm (UTC)
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**hugs**

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XTC

Goodness

from: xoxoxtc
date: Apr. 25th, 2005 08:48 pm (UTC)
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Hi hon,

I don't know if I was ever technically a "girlfriend", but I'm reading too. And I'm glad you talked to her. When Eno was married to someone else, even though it was weird, I still needed him in my life.
Anyway, keep navigating through it and sending out missives. I love you.

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Triple Entendre

Re: Goodness

from: triple_entendre
date: Apr. 25th, 2005 11:12 pm (UTC)
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If we really want to get technical, I think you count twice!

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(no subject)

from: nobodobodon
date: Apr. 25th, 2005 08:49 pm (UTC)
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I'm glad to hear how well you're doing. I've got a couple big hugs for you. Haven't been making it to Game Night in a long time. Maybe this week. Maybe this week.

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Right back at ya babe..

from: tamimoto
date: Apr. 25th, 2005 08:55 pm (UTC)
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As an ex..

We love you too!!!

As a desperate housewife..

I think of you VERY often, and have some.. um, fond memories. *wink*



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walkintall

~INTERLOPER~

from: walkintall
date: Apr. 25th, 2005 09:07 pm (UTC)
Link

i myself was fresh from 'the kill' once... i connected so clearly with your words a moment ago that i just -have- to slam into you here and link elbows for a second. dont you LOVE that feeling when u go, "OH MY GOSH, DUDE!! that's SOO crazy that youre like with someone totally seperate from me now and doing other things..." and the person laughs that laugh you know so well and then you both laugh and meet in the middle somewhere and mingle like you used to and it soothes and smoothes the ragged spirit. then you stop and inhale, and then its back to reality, and you're stronger. that one moment.. that fleeting conjoin.... its sooo righteous and warms your cockles, mmmmhmm. *raises glass* "Here's to a warm cockle!" >>clinkclink<< -smirk- hi, Happy Monday. namaste*

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Darlig Ulv Stranden

(no subject)

from: she_flies
date: Apr. 25th, 2005 09:35 pm (UTC)
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That was a great post. Made me smile and I don't know why but I'm just gonna go with it.

I am still quite squiggy talking to my Ex-husband on the phone and we are very much in that don't know where we are phase (it isn't helped by the fact that his new SO thinks I am a demon). I hope you continue to heal and a good direction where all that is concerned. And as always this reminds me of some Tori lyrics (really, I can't help myself).

where the river cross
crosses the lake
where the words
jump off my pen
and into your pages
do you think
just like that
you can divide
this you as yours
me as mine to
before we were us
if the rain has to separate
from itself
does it say "pick out your cloud?"
pick out your cloud
if there is
a horizontal line
that runs from the map
off your body
straight through the land
shooting up
right through my heart
will this horizontal line
when asked
know how to find
where you end
where i begin
"pick out your cloud"
how light can play
and form a ring of rain
that can change bows into arrows
(i found a thrill)
who we were isn't lost
before we were us
indigo in his own
blue always knew this
if the rain
has to separate
from itself
does it say pick out your cloud


It is so great that you have so many wonderful people who obviously care about you - always a plus. It sounds like you and yangenigma are settling into something nice and that is good.

I have been having oodles of fun hanging out with you and now that I am aware of the multi-demensionality of your bedroom I am more curious than ever :P That was still just wierd. But, more hangings-out will have to wait until I get back. I'll have one margarita for you - well really it will be for me, but I promise to think about you while I am drinking it and then a little bit of you will be in Cabo and who couldn't use a beach trip? :) (Did I say beach Trip? Wow, no matter where you go you are Tripping. That's odd. If you're at the zoo you're a zoo Trip....fascinating)

*pounce pounce*

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Triple Entendre

(no subject)

from: triple_entendre
date: Apr. 25th, 2005 11:42 pm (UTC)
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now that I am aware of the multi-demensionality of your bedroom I am more curious than ever :P That was still just wierd.

it took me a while to figure out tzackly what you meant by that, but i remember now. you are referring to my brief disappearing act when co-op business called me away, and i was seen walking away from my room to the other side of the house, then observed not to be in my room, then later seen exiting my room even though i hadn't been seen going in?

that, and perhaps the room's Scandinavian-icity?

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Darlig Ulv Stranden

(no subject)

from: she_flies
date: Apr. 26th, 2005 12:07 am (UTC)
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Hmmm....Oddly the room's Scandinavian-icity (and oddly I think this IS a word) didn't phase me. I thought, hm. And went about my business. The plethora of wires and cables I found quite homey :)

Ps. I am co-opting a crush just 'cause I want some crushy energy in my life. No offense to whomever it was actually intended. I shall just nuzzle it a bit and give it right back!

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Triple Entendre

(no subject)

from: triple_entendre
date: Apr. 26th, 2005 12:23 am (UTC)
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nope, can't give it back, that one's yours to keep. ;) they don't live all that long usually, but they make up for it by being very, very cute and fuzzy and multiplying. kind of like tribbles.

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Triple Entendre

trip trip hurray

from: triple_entendre
date: Apr. 26th, 2005 12:06 am (UTC)
Link

and who couldn't use a beach trip? :) (Did I say beach Trip? Wow, no matter where you go you are Tripping. That's odd. If you're at the zoo you're a zoo Trip....fascinating

haha, a beach Trip. Nobody likes jokes about his name... and so do I, although his is funnier. :)

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Darlig Ulv Stranden

Re: trip trip hurray

from: she_flies
date: Apr. 26th, 2005 12:08 am (UTC)
Link

Nobody seems interesting to me.



*little giggle*

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genghis khunt

(no subject)

from: sangfwaah
date: Apr. 25th, 2005 10:46 pm (UTC)
Link

thanks for sharing your feelings.

remember on new years eve when i found out that you had once been married to audrey? and how shocked you were that someone *didn't* know your history?

there are new people that you meet constantly, who know you no better than how you present yourself. i think you are a wonderful, funny, intelligent individual.

you are one. and you are an awesome one.

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Triple Entendre

(no subject)

from: triple_entendre
date: Apr. 25th, 2005 11:31 pm (UTC)
Link

thank you. you are equal parts sweet and kickass.

it's important that i notice that, as it continues to be true, i am a reinvent-ed/-ing (s)elf, and i'll be seen as i present myself.

remember on new years eve

does anyone? the odds are against it of course. remember on new years eve, i sought you out later, looked you right in the eyes, and said, "i think you and i could be really good friends ... as long as we don't date. i'd like to explore that."

i stand by that statement. ;)

i am still hiding from my friends a bit, though... still a hermit.

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Emerald

(no subject)

from: sea_of_change
date: Apr. 25th, 2005 11:03 pm (UTC)
Link

Just want to say I love you and I miss you lots, and I'm sorry I've been too lame to even try to see you recently, but it's nice to hear some about where your heart and head are at, and probably next week I will actually make it happen that I see you. Should we try and make a plan?

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Triple Entendre

(no subject)

from: triple_entendre
date: Apr. 25th, 2005 11:15 pm (UTC)
Link

ha ha ha! a plan! ha...

er, yes! let's.

*commences planning to try and make plan*

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Eposia

a bit sillier than some of the replys...

from: eposia
date: Apr. 25th, 2005 11:16 pm (UTC)
Link

You like me! You really, really like me!

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Triple Entendre

Re: a bit sillier than some of the replys...

from: triple_entendre
date: Apr. 26th, 2005 12:27 am (UTC)
Link

a winner is you!

*blush*

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zenith_the_high

(no subject)

from: zenith_the_high
date: Apr. 26th, 2005 12:53 am (UTC)
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hmm, with a history of fabulous women like lavendatrix and humanitics, i can only imagine you have similarly wondrous women in your future...... i feel blessed just to know them, as i am sure you do. love is always right around the corner, and there are lots of corners out there.....

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cattnip

(no subject)

from: cattnip
date: Apr. 26th, 2005 03:22 am (UTC)
Link

Love right back at ya babe!

I'm glad talking to Audrey wasn't painful this time.
I know I get a lot out of our relationship now (although I needed my period of not talking to you) and I want the 2 of you to have an equally wonderful relationship.

Lots of kisses!!!

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(no subject)

from: avice
date: Apr. 26th, 2005 07:39 am (UTC)
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Yay Sweetie. It worked out well that my attempts to lure you out to LA fell through too what with all my sickliness and all. It sounds like you were in perfect shape right there in Austin. Big hugs to you Darlin'. And I am very happy to hear about the good conversation.

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