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A loud, roaring noise of great sadness and despair

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Apr. 14th, 2003 | 01:25 am
mood: shockedshocked
music: the music wouldn't play


And all the time Winnie-the-Pooh had been trying to get
the honey-jar off his head. The more he shook it, the more
tightly it stuck. "Bother!" he said, inside the jar, and "Oh,
help!" and, mostly, "Ow!" And he tried bumping it against
things, but as he couldn't see what he was bumping it against,
it didn't help him; and he tried to climb out of the Trap, but
as he could see nothing but jar, and not much of that, he
couldn't find his way. So at last he lifted up his head, jar
and all, and made a loud, roaring noise of Sadness and Despair
. . . and it was at that moment that Piglet looked down.

"Help, help!" cried Piglet, "a Heffalump, a Horrible
Heffalump!"

I am often compared to Winnie-the-Pooh, and she, to Piglet (or Roo)....


This is unedited and unfinished. Just like me, right now. Deal.

#%!%^)@*$&!!.

Well, OK, I always correct my spelling, but.

I just had probably the most miserable phone conversation of my life. I've been having those a lot lately, with the person I love the most dearly.

We went through it over and over. Oh, I can barely write. I'm already losing the details and it scares me because that's the whole problem.... She doesn't see how we can be together at all. She says she's done with it -- done. That we're hurting each other. That she doesn't see why she should try any more to work things out. She says the way we relate is broken. In this she exaggerates and contradicts herself in ways that I understand, but that don't leave me much room to communicate. Why should she expect anything from me when she can't be sure I'll show up? Or remember anything? Or have any context? Or I'll look like a helpless puppy (and I really don't know right then what I've done, either; so sad) if she's angry? That's the big thing we've discovered; that all this time we've been smothering each other's anger, which then is never really expressed. yuck. So now she has room to be angry. But that means, with all that anger, I can't win. I can't even play. I can do 10 things right and one admittedly absurdly unreasonable thing wrong, and she's even angrier. Over time, each time we've seen one another she's gotten more hurt and more angry, and I've backed off more and more, so of course she feels neglected, and angry for that, too. I've been trying my damnedest to give us the space we both need to feel our anger, but it just gets worse.

Expressing my feelings (as if I could help it) about this, my situational depression, my confusion and hurt -- has just made her feel more awful and therefore even more angry.

I feel like the rug's been pulled out from under the freight train that hits me every morning, when I wake up, alone.


I asked her if she was in (what is now) her room, and if our custom-written vows were still hanging there on the wall. I had her read them to me.

It seems like every time I talk to her I somehow make it worse, yet in a way it has nothing to do with me.

Background:
We are the couple that got married under the Man at Burning Man 199x, (You see, I really do have very little sense of time, shameful as that may seem in THIS context....) and the first and last wedding to appear on the official list of events, right after the Java cow on Sunday at sunrise (the last year that the Man burned on a Sunday night; now, it's Saturday). A lovely Unitarian Universalist minister-to-be officiated. (Technically, when we returned to Austin we filed a backdated common-law marriage certificate.)
We practice "multi-love", some call it polyamoury. It's part of who we are individually as well as together. She has a semi-boyfriend here in Austin, I have a semi-girlfriend in Houston. Before that we each had serious long-term committed relationships that ended in the same month or so, and we were both depressed. So, she has some loving support, and sex, and I'm running kind of low on all of that, situationally. No, I'm not getting any. That's not just shallow -- I need to be touched. I have a strong kinesthetic sensory orientation. I crave a lot of physical contact. It puts me in context, brings me into the presence of this world.

I have ADD and memory problems and my coping skills are still not equal to the task of everyday society. I mean, I'm a genuinely nice guy, and I fake socialization pretty well, but I don't remember most people's names, or anything else, without time and exposure, or at least two points of reference. I am very difficult to deal with in many ways, and even harder to live with, let alone be a life partner to. I admit that freely -- I have to live with myself all the time, I DO have some idea how hard that is. I'm my worst critic by far, thank you very much. But suicide is not within my capabilities, and I quit (literally) beating myself up about things I couldn't do, when I graduated high school. Flunking out of college twice gave me some insight into what I really wanted from life, and I really began to listen to myself, seek my own goals rather than the expectations of others, and accept my limitations. I let go of a lot of things and found happiness in focusing on doing what I was good at. I let go of things that weren't worth self-flagellation, such as doing simple math in one's head. Ask me a math problem, I'll happily stand there and look at you without so much as a twitch of concern or effort, if you're like most people, your brain will supply the answer before I've finished thinking about why you were asking and what it means in the grand scheme of things.

I am so very Zen, even when in pain. I get distracted easily, and I'm always waiting for larger contexts to emerge, which they almost always do, or if they don't then maybe it's time for a little smackerel of something.

She reached a (somewhat) silent, sudden breaking point some weeks ago, and needed me not to be in the house. Throughout the last 10 years, we've shared a single room or efficiency, usually in a larger house with other residents. But, in each other's space in a way we never fully understood until she snapped. I've always been willing to do anything for her, I didn't even used to know she could be wrong about anything. I was the caretaker in our relationship for the first several years, and now she's healed enough to need that to stop, and it has been.

We've been together since I was 20 and she was 16. I tried to stay away at first, I felt she was too young, but she was persistent, and a joy to be around. I didn't have a chance. :) Maybe I was the young one.

I know it's silly, but we always said that when she was better and out of school (which is soon now), that she'd support me and help me work on my issues. Part of me feels so abandoned over that, right now. And abandoned in general. I'm an introvert who tends to forget that other people exist when they're not around. That's awful, I know, but there it is. I think, as I am right now, "I should really call someone, I probably shouldn't be alone when I feel like this." But I have no idea how to summon up a mental list of who my friends are. I know them when I see them, sure, but at times like this I have to go through my Palm-phone address book line by line and remind myself what people I know, and hopefully trigger memories of those I've accidentally left out of it. And those electronic crutches like that that I rely on are all still disordered from having to move all my stuff.

So I'm house-sitting for friends, with only their cat for company. I've been on the computer all weekend, and I haven't been making good decisions. I'm quietly going crazy here by myself. Yes, a learning experience and all that. I'm not saying I'm bad company for myself. Just that I don't have a set of habits or rituals set up to deal with living alone. Whole days can disappear, and I've been avoiding social situations. ...How the fuck did it get to be 1:00 in the morning?

And I never realized how much other people were already carrying me -- most of all, it was her.

So I gave her what she asked and left right then. I slept in my truck that night. She asked me to stay out of the house for a week. During that week she realized she needed her own room, which meant there was no room for me to live in. So I've been staying with friends for a while now. I managed during this past month or so to hang on to my job, which was seriously at risk, move my things out of the house, and take care of myself, just barely. I'm still lost without her constant companionship, in a way that can't be healthy. But with all of it, all of it, I am gritting my teeth, remaining open and humble to life's lessons, and looking at everything as a learning opportunity. My therapist at least is overly impressed. But it hurts, oh it hurts. All the time. I get so confused, I'm a pooh bear who lives in the moment, and I rely on context to see me through interactions with the world. I have no context now, I've been so disrupted and stressed by the absence of both my home, my love, my structured physical environment (that is, my things), my supportive gadgets, and my housemates.

I always thought my other friends would be in this position, that I'd have a couch for them when their long-planned-in-advance major life choices finally blew up. But not us. We always made sense. We fit. We could just about mind-read. And now I'm having to face that so much of that was her accommodating us. And vice versa I suppose.

Part of my vows read:

to bear and not to own,
to act and not lay claim,
to do the work and let it go,
for letting it go is what makes it stay.

It's from the Tao Te Ching. I guess I'm having trouble with all four lines today. Suck. How can it be right to let go of something I know in my blackest heart won't stay if I let it go completely? We got married because we decided that we liked dating each other, as primary partners, and we wanted to keep doing that for always.

I want to say, please, God, anything but this. And I want to laugh at myself for it. And die laughing.

I have a lot of work to do. And a lot of letting go. Can I bear this? Can I act?

Is there still another way?


It all feels so wrong.

--
Triple Entendre

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Comments {23}

Elphie

(no subject)

from: elphie
date: Apr. 14th, 2003 01:18 am (UTC)
Link

*hug*

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Triple Entendre

(no subject)

from: triple_entendre
date: Apr. 18th, 2003 11:02 pm (UTC)
Link

hugs are a good answer. thank you lots and lots!

Reply | Parent | Thread

Monkey

(no subject)

from: foolmonkey
date: Apr. 14th, 2003 06:33 am (UTC)
Link

Sometimes, when life feels all wrong, it is because it is all wrong. There's no shame in being the one behind the brunt of the world's callous might.

That being said, it sure doesn't help very much.

*hug*

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Triple Entendre

(no subject)

from: triple_entendre
date: Apr. 18th, 2003 11:05 pm (UTC)
Link

He's a straight shooter, that darn fool monkey. :)

Thankfully this situation isn't something anyone would try to wish away for me.

Thanks. I need every hug.

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Shannon

(no subject)

from: choiceful
date: Apr. 14th, 2003 07:13 am (UTC)
Link

*hug*

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Triple Entendre

(no subject)

from: triple_entendre
date: Apr. 18th, 2003 11:06 pm (UTC)
Link

*guh* ... *hug*

--
Symmetrical Entendre

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austin_tycho on Dreamwidth

(no subject)

from: mielikki
date: Apr. 14th, 2003 07:39 am (UTC)
Link

I just friended you via a mutual friend- so I don't know you at all, but this sounds really sucky and I feel bad for you. If you feel like chatting, I'm on AIM all day at work (Mielikki31). Hang in there. ((((hugs))))

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Triple Entendre

(no subject)

from: triple_entendre
date: Apr. 18th, 2003 11:08 pm (UTC)
Link

Thanks. I will take you up on that eventually. I'm an introvert, and crushingly depressed, so the talking is happening slowly.

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austin_tycho on Dreamwidth

Re:

from: mielikki
date: Apr. 19th, 2003 11:53 am (UTC)
Link

I understand. No pressure. ((((hugs))))

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Miss Scarlet

(no subject)

from: zuleikhajami
date: Apr. 14th, 2003 06:53 pm (UTC)
Link

Oh honey, I'm so sorry to hear all of this! I know virtual hugs aren't as good as real ones, but hopefully it can give some support. *hug*

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Triple Entendre

(no subject)

from: triple_entendre
date: Apr. 18th, 2003 11:12 pm (UTC)
Link

Friendly hugs are a magic that always works. Thanks.

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Pace

(no subject)

from: ubiquity
date: Apr. 14th, 2003 08:59 pm (UTC)
Link

*hug*!!!!!!!

797-4640.

-p

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Triple Entendre

(no subject)

from: triple_entendre
date: Apr. 18th, 2003 11:18 pm (UTC)
Link

Thanks! I want to play more board games. I want to show up when things are happening.

Hey, I got the silent pronoun correct this time. Just called you; I keep a time diary and I just wrote "she" in the call log! I am a punk-ass chump no longer!

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Pace

(no subject)

from: ubiquity
date: Apr. 19th, 2003 05:55 am (UTC)
Link

I've been mostly absent from the social scene myself. Being around groups of people has been draining me rather than energizing me because I feel a constant need to project feminine energy to get people used to the new me. And I have to keep my shields up so I don't get hurt when people mess up. But I'm gaining more self-confidence every day, so I'll probably start going out more often soon, and I'll probably see you around one of these days. If not, now I've got your number so I can call you up next time I assemble a small, more manageable gaming gathering.

Her Majesty thanks you for your lack of punk-ass chumpness. (;

Take care (:
-Pace

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Bean

(no subject)

from: fulguritus
date: Apr. 14th, 2003 10:35 pm (UTC)
Link

mielikki31 is my friend. she's been listening to the ongoing drama of the colin bean bob and L situation.
she's a great listener. and gives pretty good advice. and let me stay in her spare bedroom. they have an isolation tank, and left me completely alone while i was there.
you are in a scary horrible tough place. go get some bach rescue remedy or five flower formula, it will help you stay sane. seriously. i take it, i gave some to liam too.
i'm so sorry this is happening.
call me. i know you and i haven't hung out a lot. but we are basically going through similar situations right now. as is liam. we can stick it out together. you aren't alone.
saturn is the closest it's been in 17 years. and it's beating the crap out of the lot of us.
i love you. i hope to talk to you soon. all will be okay. no matter what happens. love.

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Triple Entendre

(no subject)

from: triple_entendre
date: Apr. 18th, 2003 11:58 pm (UTC)
Link

I had a great deal of sympathy for your situation even *before* I knew that the bottom could drop out from under my own. I just can't seem to remember... it all seems like so much. And somehow it gets to be around 1 in the morning, like now, before I think to call people.

I did march right over and get some of that Rescue Remedy from Wheatsville. That stuff is serious! It does something for sure, it's hard to describe what. Thanks for the suggestion.

Thank you for your words and love and support. I'm trying to learn how not to isolate myself, I mean, I'm great company for me , house-sitting here in Northish Austin, but I'm starting to bore the cat. She doesn't like my singing. I've learned what I can being real by myself, now I'm ready for at the least a visitor once in a while. Sometimes...

Oops, I'm dozing off at the keyboard. Naptime. Garage saling tomorrow. ee

Isolation tank, nah, blow the whistle for adult swim! All you kids out of the pool! We're trying to wallow here. It's a wading pool. Oh, wader... My soup is fly! Shh, not so loud, everyone will want some.

Wheee. Had a lousy day today. Got *another* traffic ticket for the same infraction (inspection sticker) today. Long ugly story, but I managed to remain civil and he actually *hurried* for me his ticketmaking task because I was running late.
More soon. Nap. Love and hugs.

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(no subject)

from: tequilanolime
date: Apr. 17th, 2003 12:08 pm (UTC)
Link

I hope you're feeling better. This sounds like an awful thing to have to be going through. I know I don't really know you in the conventional sense (or in the biblical or literal sense), but I do wish good things your way.

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Triple Entendre

(no subject)

from: triple_entendre
date: Apr. 19th, 2003 12:34 am (UTC)
Link

Thanks. I wasn't, but now I am, but I won't be again tomorrow. It's awful, but it's a larger pattern I need to attend to. Many close friends have stayed close until suddenly they can't anymore because something catches up with them, I don't know yet. But a lot of it IS me. It's too confusing for words, but I'll try some more later. :)

A lot of personality comes though in your writing, and I am enjoying knowing you that way. Ah, I have it! Let us host a convention for Biblical Literalists. We could kill three birds with one sacred cow. That'll show 'em. Or one scared cow.* I guess it could be both. (You know, on an unrelated note, it occurs to me that LiveJournals are the ultimate glass houses, and there's a lot of stone-throwing going on.)

Thanks again for your thoughts and good wishes! You're a great audience. I'll be here all night. Tip your servers.

Hugs AND drugs,
--
Triple Entendre

* There's a prayer candle in the guest bathroom; I swear every time I look at it reads, "The Scared Heart of Jesus".

Reply | Parent | Thread

(no subject)

from: tequilanolime
date: Apr. 19th, 2003 09:45 pm (UTC)
Link

It would freak me out to have the heart of Jesus in my bathroom. Actually, it would freak me out to have anyone's heart in my bathroom. I'm not into organs.

I am going through a crappy transition myself. I will tell you all about it sometime if you'd like. But, suffice to say, it's hard, and it sucks and what do I do? No idea. I'm sorry about your friends being there and then not being there. My friends give me advice but because they are just as emotionally retarded as I am it doesn't help (By emotionally retarded, I mean we don't have enough sense to come in out of the rain, if you know what I mean)
I glean much from your writing as well, as little as you give me. I look forward to reading more in the future. I hope I get to meet you someday when I move to Austin.

By the way, you stole my line! ("Thank you! I'll be here all night!") We can never headline in the same venue.

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Triple Entendre

(no subject)

from: triple_entendre
date: Apr. 20th, 2003 08:36 am (UTC)
Link

It would freak me out to have the heart of Jesus in my bathroom. Actually, it would freak me out to have anyone's heart in my bathroom. I'm not into organs.


"People think that I must be a very strange person. This is not correct. I have the heart of a small boy. It is in a glass jar on my desk."
Stephen King

I understand very well about not having enough sense to come in out of the rain. In fact the people I like best tend to be the ones who know what their problems are but haven't fixed them yet. They always warn you, but who listens?

Thank you for the compliments on my writing. I've been enjoying this livejournal experience quite a bit, and I've never had any reason to write so much before. Writing has been recommended by aptitude tests, personality tests, and people, but the idea of actually writing seemed alien to me, except for BBSes and email, where (as I suddenly recall) I actually contributed to one of those cooperatively-written serial adventure fantasy stories.

Thought: how come, using the web interface (which I do for some reason), I can 'preview' my reply to my heart's content, but when making an original entry to my journal, surely a more perfectionistic task, I can only delete and repost? Actually, I use the 'check spelling' feature as a ghetto previewer. I know you sympathize; I've seen you delete a post just to correct one typo. :-) ;-)

If you move to Austin, we'll definitely need coffee. *LOL*... That was how the sentence came out, and it's so precious I'll leave it there. What I meant was, we'll meet. :)

By the way, you stole my line! ("Thank you! I'll be here all night!") We can never headline in the same venue.



*LOL*

Unless one of us is the emcee. :-)

--
Triple Entendre

Reply | Parent | Thread

(no subject)

from: tequilanolime
date: Apr. 20th, 2003 04:28 pm (UTC)
Link

Thought: how come, using the web interface (which I do for some reason), I can 'preview' my reply to my heart's content, but when making an original entry to my journal, surely a more perfectionistic task, I can only delete and repost?
Not a clue. It has only recently come to my understanding that computers were built solely to upset me.
And while we are answering life's little enigmas, I'd like to know why microwave burritos always take forty seconds longer to heat up than the package claims.
Actually, I use the 'check spelling' feature as a ghetto previewer. I know you sympathize; I've seen you delete a post just to correct one typo. :-) ;-)
Um...I have no idea what you mean. Me? Delete b/c of typos? (nervous laughter) But that would imply that I am a perfectionist, or obsessive compulsive or something neurotic, heh, heh, heh...(scratches throat uncontrollably)...
If you move to Austin, we'll definitely need coffee. *LOL*...
Now that is priceless. Talk about the subconscious. Had a good giggle on that one.

Now...to take care of said errant burrito...

Reply | Parent | Thread

(no subject)

from: tequilanolime
date: Apr. 19th, 2003 10:01 pm (UTC)
Link


12:02 am
for Triple Entendre
re: sacred cow...

TANTRA

WORLD, I THOUGHT BROADLY
WONDER WHICH BOOK TO USE
TRACKING DOWN THOUGHTS OF DISCONTENT
WHY, I THOUGHT,
DO EVERYONE GO TO INDIA FOR ENLIGHTENMENT?
OVER-POPULATION & DISEASE &
STARVATION EVEN
WHEN THERE ARE SO MANY COWS
STANDING AROUND BEING SACRED
JUST GOT OUT OF THE SHOWER
AND MY FEET STILL SMELL
HOW ENLIGHTENING IS THAT
ZEN BUDDHA FOR YA
PUT IT IN YOUR PIPE AND SMOKE IT
PRAYING TO A STATUE DON'T
REALLY SEEM
HELPFUL
TO ME BUT I COULD BE WRONG
- LOOK AT MY FEET -
BUT STILL
SOMEDAY
GIN, I THOUGHT
THAT'S WHAT IT MUST BE LIKE
FOR GOD, I MEAN
PLAYING THIS GAME WITH US
WHEN HE FOLDS DO HE LAY HIS CARDS
OR STEAL FROM THE DECK
THEY'D HAVE YOU BELIEVE
HE KEEPS AN ACE UP HIS SLEEVE
WHAT EXACTLY
- I AM STILL THINKING -
MAKES A COW SACRED?
WHAT IS TAOISM
POOH LIKES IT, OBVIOUSLY
I LIKE PIGLET
SO DOES MAMA
LET'S NOT TALK ABOUT HER
ONE CAR FENDER
ONE SWIFT RAZOR
ONE SLIPPERY TILE
AND IT'S ALL OVER
I THOUGHT
BUT THAT'S SO CHANCY
"Omittance is no quittance,"
SAY SHAKESPEARE
DON'T IT SEEM
IF THAT'S ALL YOU GET
IT'S UNFAIR
CAUSE YOU CAN BE CAREFUL
BUT IT REALLY AIN'T
UP TO YOU
IN THE END,
I THOUGHT.


-kp 1994

current mood: chipper
current music: Moby - '18'

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Triple Entendre

(no subject)

from: triple_entendre
date: Apr. 20th, 2003 08:53 am (UTC)
Link

I like it!

--
Triple Entendre

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